The story of a Witch...

Some may ask why I my blog is Wicked Witch Writes. 

Do I love wicked witches?  YES! 
Do I love Wicked the musical? YES!!
Do I see myself as outcast and misunderstood as a wicked witch?  YES!!!

Those are the short answers. 

The long answer is a year in the making.  A year that has at some moments felt like an eternity and at some other moments it has felt as if I am in "ground hog day" repeating the same day over and over.   A year of unimaginable lows and trials that I did not think I would be able to bare.  Some days I would be so broken I would just cry in bed all day.  My heart, my head, my body all ached from this one single moment.  My heart aches for my children who are still dealing with the ripple effect of that day.

So let me tell you about a witch.....
              
* small disclaimer...if you have never seen Wicked....I may give parts of it away.

I have a friend who once told me he knew why I loved "Wicked" so much.  His reasoning was because I was so much like the "wicked" witch Elphaba.  To someone who has never seen Wicked, this may seem like a horrible thing to call someone, but to me who loves Wicked as much as I do and who knows it like I do this is a complement.  The best I could ever recieve.

You see in Wicked the Wicked witch is good, she is just an outcast and misunderstood.  All the good she tries to do is for not.  No one believes that someone so green could be good.  Rumors spread about her and her reasoning for doing the things she does, and the people of Oz believe the rumors over her.  Even some people who knew her and knew her intentions, go along with the crowd.

There is a part when her best friend (Glinda the Good Witch) tricks Elphaba by having a house fall on her sister.  Kind of a mean trick if you ask me.  When Glinda realizes what has happened because of her, she feels remorse and tries to make it better but it is too late.  She has changed and so has Elphaba and nothing Glinda can do can make it better for the Wicked witch.  Because she is Wicked...or at least everyone thinks she is.  Elphaba's only option is to leave, to never be seen from again, or as we know get melted away by a girl with ruby slippers.

I do feel a kinship with Elphaba.  I know how it feels to be betrayed by someone who you thought was your friend.  I know how it feels to to stand nose to nose and fight with your friend who betrayed you.  Knowing that you both are doing what you feel is the right thing to do.

I am sad that because of my friends actions my life has been flipped upside down.  That just like the Wicked witch my family is leaving our home, and starting over with the hope of being left alone and never being found again.

I also have the same love Elphaba has for Glinda at the end of the play, towards my friend.  I am sorry for what has happened, but I also feel bad for her.  I feel bad for her family and her children.  Saying you are sorry is always hard, admitting you are wrong is even harder, and sometimes forgiveness never happens. 

At the end of Wicked is my favorite song "For Good" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzrGFQysfYU  There is a part that says...

"And just to clear the air I ask forgiveness for the things I've done you blame me for~ (Elphaba)
But I guess we know there's blame to share~ (Glinda)
And none of that seems to matter any more" (both)

It is so true.  I know that both of us are at fault.  I know I handle the situation the best I knew how.  It may not have been the best way to others but it was the best way to me.  I had to protect family.  I also know my friend feels the same way.  She was doing what she thought she was doing the right and she was protecting her family.  I just wish it did not have to get so out of control.  Sometimes it feels so much like high school all over again...with all the useless drama!

Everyone keeps telling us just to forgive and it will all be better.  That is true to a point.  Forgiveness is hard to give when someone keeps hurting you over and over.  It is also hard to forgive when the other person will not stop trying to hurt you or your children or others who stand up for you.  The forgiveness has happened...over and over and over.  I knew that if I did not forgive her and others I would only be hurting myself.  But forgiveness does not make the other person stop acting the way they are.  Sometimes free agency really sucks.  It would be nice to say I forgive you now act like you are a grown up!!   I think that free agency directly effects forgiveness and that is what makes forgiveness so hard.  It is easy to forgive the first time or even the second, but when the same thing happens over and over it gets harder and harder to forgive.   I think that is why we must forgive, the first time, the third time, or the three hundredth time.  It almost is harder each time, but it is also easier.  I have found my self having more love and compassion for her each time she acts out and I need to forgive her again.  Maybe the Lord is teaching me something about his love for me.  No matter how many bad choices I make he still loves me, and cares about me, and forgives me with his whole heart!

Sometimes I wonder if Elphaba forgave Glinda?  I like to think she did!!

I took the one less traveled by

The Road Not Taken

       By: Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

This poem has been in my head for the past few days.  I remember memorizing it in 11th grade English.  Every once in a while it will just pop into my head, along with other poems I have had to memorize over the years.  This time it has been constant.  Almost daily for the last week I have been repeating this poem over and over.  Maybe it is because I am making some big choices lately. 

I am taking the road less traveled. 

We have been trying to sell our home for the last 7 months.  It has been the worst winter for house sales in the last ten years.  We have had showing after showing.  We put new carpet in, painted all the walls and made my house the best it has looked in the 8 years I have lived here.  It is still hard to think that today maybe the day, and once again it is not.  My three year old asks daily "do we have a house showing today?"  It is really taking a toll on all of us.  We even had a house lined up to move into but because it is taking do long that fell through.  

So about a month ago as my husband I contemplated on what would be the best situation for our family.

We chose the road less traveled by.

We are moving back to my in-laws!!!

It is not our first choice...or third...or fifteenth.  It is the BEST CHOICE!

Sometimes being a parent means picking the hard choice.  Our family has been through a lot in the last year.  People are cruel to my kids.  We do not feel welcomed or safe in our neighborhood, or at school or most shockingly at our church.  To tell the truth we have not been to our ward for almost a year!  We just go to my parents or brothers ward.  We live in a good community and there are good people around us, but the ones who want us out, the ones who are cruel and mean to us are much louder.  Being a mama bear I NEED to do what is best for my kids.

So we are packing up and moving out!  We are hoping I will not loose my sanity by always having to pile kids and a great Dane into the car every time we have a showing.  We are feeling welcomed at our new ward. The kids are excited to go to primary with their friends that they have only known for a few short weeks. They feel welcomed and loved by everyone there. My children can't wait to go to a new school, with their new friends.  They want to go to scout camps, and young men's, and school with these friends that are so kind and Christ like to them.   Feeling welcomed and loved is the greatest feeling. 

This has not been an easy choice, but we know it is the best choice.   It is amazing to me that as soon as we took that small leap of faith our house showings sky rocketed.  We had 22 showings in 9 days!!!!  I can see the lords hand working in all of this.  I just need to have the faith that it is the right move.  It saddens me to think that I am moving away from my home, my friends and the place I grew to love.  I know it is for the best, I just wish it all could be different. 

I wish that others could see that I am doing what my husband and I think is the best thing for our family.  We are not acting rash.  This has come with a lot of prayer and thought and determination to do what is the best thing for my kids.  Someone asked if I could just let things go and stay here and everything would work itself out.  My answer was we could stay, if we did not participate in church, school or neighborhood activities.  If my children did not talk or play with anyone.  That is no way to live.  Children should feel like they can ride their bikes, or play with the neighbor.  Even go to school or church with out having to worry about what others will say about them. 

These are my children, God in trusted them to me to do what was right for them.  It will be in my hands if they fall away from our faith.  I will do what is best for them....NO matter the cost.  If that means moving to another city, state, country, or planet I would do it for my children. 

So this will be hard....I am trying to see all the silver linings....and The Lord's hand in all things.  I know one day I will be repeating this last stanza~

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Boys to MEN

To tell you the truth I do not remember a lot of my brothers growing up.  My brothers are both younger than me.  When I got married they were 13 and 8!  So I saw them grow into men on the side lines.  One day I showed up and my brother was taller than me.  I just thought boys laid on the couch watching t.v, smelled funny and ate a lot.  I figured boys were easier to raise because by brothers never yelled and screamed like my sister and I did.  I don't remember my brothers studying for test,  or asking girls out on dates, or talking on the phone to their "girlfriends".  By the time these things started to happen I was married and had a little boy of my own!

The funny thing is growing up I  would rather be with a bunch of boys doing fun things then with one girl and all her drama.  I had friends that were girls in school, but I was more comfortable with my guy friends.  Maybe this is why I have 5 boys and one very tom-boy little girl.  Boys are fun, they are full of energy, they have very little drama, and they are always an adventure.

The thing I never realized growing up was how hard it is to raise a boy to become a MAN!  Naturally as they grow older they will become a grown up boy, but I want my boys to be men.  I want my boys to open doors for little old ladies, and hug their mama, and treat each other with kindness.  I want my daughter in laws to thank me because my sons know how to cook, and change a tire and a diaper, and how to love her unconditionally. 

THIS IS HARD!!

We live in a world were we plug into everything.  We don't need a job because things are handed to us.  We don't need to work hard because mom and dad will pay for school, or our house, or car, or x-box, etc.  We teach our children to think only of themselves, and they become self centered and selfish.  Then we throw them out into the real world and hope they can swim. 

The hardest part is what the world and others throw at our children.  We hear everyday about children being bullied, or committing suicide.  It is said it takes a village to raise a child, I believe it is also true that it takes only a few to destroy a child.  What happens when that village will not stand up and buffer that child from the hurt and pain.  They keep it inside and start to believe they are ugly, stupid, mean, wrong, or whatever else they have been told over and over again.  They start to believe that voice that tells them they will become nothing.  Maybe they should not be here.  Life would be better with out them.  These precious children loose faith in themselves!

As a mother this is our greatest challenge to raise sons who will become great men despite of the world around them.  To say I am lucky to have 5 boys is the truth.  It scares me right to death, but I have never backed down from a challenge yet. 

One of my greatest joys turns 14 in a few short hours!  I worry over him, not because he is not GREAT, but because I have messed up so much along the way.  He is a GREAT BIG BROTHER (even if teasing is part of the package), he is SMART, and FUNNY and KIND.  He will play chess with his sister over and over, and always let her win.  He wants his brothers to play video games with him, and will even get mad when they don't.  He is a good friend, a good scout and a GREAT YOUNG MAN!  He thinks he is funny when he tells me my arms are flabby, even if he knows I am stronger than him.  He loves to gloat in the fact he is taller than me...and will surpass his dad any day now.  He has had to endure being bullied, and lied about behind his back and to his face. Despite all of this he is a wonderful kid that I am lucky enough to call mine! 

Fourteen years ago when they laid his little life into my arms I was amazed that the Lord in trusted me with him.  I continue to be amazed!  The Lord knew that I needed him as much as he needed me.  He has taught me how to be patient and loving and kind to all, even to those that try to destroy him.  He has taught me how to laugh and cry and yell and whisper.  He makes my heart hurt for him.  I remember watching the Columbine High school shooting just a few days after he came home from the hospital.  I could not imagine bringing a baby into the horrific world of that moment.  As life has gone on and the horrific images keep coming my heart breaks for him.  I know the road ahead will not be easy.  I know it will be full of evil and chaos.  I also know that because of Parker the world will be a better place.  I know that as he becomes a man great things will continue to happen.  He does know how to cook, change a baby diaper (still working on the tire), and love unconditionally.  He is such an example to me of greatness.  He is nothing short of a disciple of Christ, he shows love to everyone.  To say that I am thankful for him seems so silly, but I am truely thankful to be his mother.  He has made me a better person and I hope one day he will be able to say the same about me.

Happy Birthday my baby boy!

Imperfection

I AM NOT PERFECT!

I have NEVER claimed to be!

And I NEVER (at least in this life) WILL BE!!

Sometimes I get mad, sometimes my house is not clean, sometimes I yell at my kids, sometimes I get so frustrated I cry, sometimes I forget to do what needs to get done, sometimes I want to run people over with my car (I have never done it...I just want to), sometimes I throw the dirty clothes into the dryer so the house looks clean, sometimes I do things that I am not proud of.  I am imperfect!  I am imperfect!! I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father and He LOVES ME....even if I am imperfect!

There once was a time (not all that long ago) that I was told by someone that I thought I had a perfect life, a perfect family and a perfect faith in the gospel.  They explained that I was so blind as to what was really going on in my "perfectness" that I could not see that I was a bad person. 

It broke my heart in two.

Not because I thought I was perfect, but because this person had in her head that I thought I was prefect!

I am FAR from it!

Sometimes I wonder why she thought those things about me?  Do I act like I am perfect?  Do I try to make people believe I am perfect?  Have a said or done something to imply that I am perfect?

If you know me (ask my kids) I am far from perfect.  I try to be the best I can, but many times I fall short.  I like to have my kids dressed cute, hair done on time.  But today I walked around the store with no make-up on, Annie did not have her hair done and Q had no shoes on! 

Sounds PERFECT to me!

The funny thing is that while trying to figure out why this lady thought I believed I was perfect.  I was reminded that it is not HER that I need to be perfect for!!  Heavenly Father deals with my imperfections and he loves me anyway.  If she can not be kind, or Christ like towards me because I am too perfect for her, good riddance.  I have my husband, my children and more friends than I deserve and my Heavenly Father who knows I am NOT perfect and LOVES me anyway!

I loved this quote by President Holland

Do you ever wonder if Heavenly Father looks at us and gets mad that we are forget to do the small stuff?  Let alone the big things? 

If being imperfect is all God has to work with then why would we be any different?  Should we not be loving and kind and Christ like to everyone we meet? 

Even if they think they are perfect!!!

Or even if they think that you think you are perfect!

Why do we allow ourselves to be beat up by the fact we are not perfect?  And why does it matter?  Have you ever noticed that people want to only show the "perfect" sides of ourselves?  People never post pictures of themselves looking tired or warn out or in their not cute p.j.'s.  We only show the world the 5 good family pictures not the 150 of kids looking this way or that, picking noses or yelling at their brother.  It is human nature to only want to show our "perfect" side.

I do it too!

 I am pretty sure that nobodies kids look like the just stepped out of a gap commercial all the time!  Why is it so hard to be real?  Do we not want people to see our failures?  Do we think that others will judge us when all of our children don't look like the gap commercial?  Do we think that we will be judged for not being the perfect person, the perfect mom or having the perfect family?

The bigger question is why do we care?

How can we be like Christ if we think we are more perfect than anyone else?  How can we be like Christ if we continually judge others in any manner?   How can we be more like Christ if all we look at is our imperfections or the imperfections of others?

I believe part of our mission here on earth is to become perfect like Christ.  I also believe that part of that is dropping the "perfectness" out of our lives.  If we constantly try to do better, if we are always striving to live a little better and to be a better person we will reach perfection. 

JUST NOT TODAY!

So here is my not perfect picture taken by my three year old.  My nose sure looks HUGE in this pic!

 

Torando's

My life in the last year has been in a "tornado" state.  Spinning slowly at some moments and out of control at others.   Who would have known that the actions of others could put my life into such a tornado?

Tornado's are dark and scary and can be deadly if you do not heed the warnings and get out.  If we just step out of the tornado the destruction can not hurt us.  I remember last May I was blowing drying my hair, wondering what I was to do with the mess that had been handed to my family. 

Clear as day I heard "just step out of the Tornado!" 

I recalled a lesson in church, seminary, or maybe even family home evening about Tornado's.  The teacher explained that he was in an area where tornado's were very common place, and while driving down the road he heard on the radio the announcer explaining a tornado warning.  Letting people know to get off the road, and to go lay in a ditch, so the tornado could pass by them.  Not knowing if this was the best course of action he followed the direction of someone he knew was better prepared for the road ahead.  He likened this story unto our journey though this life.  Sometimes we need to heed the warnings of a loving Heavenly Father who knows the road ahead a little better and is a little wiser than us. 

At that moment while blow drying my hair I knew what I was going to do.  Step away from the mess that we had been given.  This was going to be a trial, but if I allowed my Heavenly Father to lead me in the right direction.  One that would keep my family and myself safe and sheltered from the storm.  The tornado would pass, throwing garbage, and carnage with it, but my family would be safe. Our testimonies would not be shaken and our family would be a stronger family.  Tornado's can be deadly, just like the trial my family was facing could be eternally and spiritually deadly if I did not obey the Lords council.

I thought that because I came to this knowledge quickly the "tornado" would be over quickly. 

Life is like that!

We think we know the plan, only to find out that the plan we laid out is not the same plan the Lord had in mind.  Sometimes it is easy to say "I would like some say in this Lord" or "remember I wanted ___________"  or my favorite " I am doing what you asked of me now where are my blessings!"  It is hard to let the Lord be our radio announcer telling us the best course of action to go.  I know the Lord knows what is best for me, but I am stubborn and strong willed and I want things NOW!!

Just like a tornado that takes minutes to destroy things, but weeks, months or even years to clean up after.  So too is the "Tornado's" and trials of our lives. If we chose to remove our selves from the mess and just clean up after we will be better in the end. 

I hope and pray that my life will be a little calmer as the months turn into years.

I know that if life continues to be a storm, but if I turn my radio up and listen to my announcer, all will be well in the end.  He will not let me fail.  He has too much love for me, for my children and for others along the way.  He wants nothing more than to welcome us home with open arms.  I know that he has the road map, he knows the stumbling blocks that others will put in my path, and he knows through him we can get over them.