Thursday, May 1, 2014

730 days

730 days sounds like forever.
It is only 2 years!


On may 1, 2012 my life would be changed forever.
Not in a way you want to remember, like a birth.
In a horrible way, like a death.

I did not loose anyone through death.
I did not have to burry a child, or spouse, or parent.
 

I did loose someone.
Actually to be completely honest I lost my whole life.
I lost friends,
I lost ward members,
I lost neighbors,
I lost my home,
and I lost a piece of myself.
 
It is not very far I my memory of the exact moment my life was changed.
Just like those moments that are seared into your memory forever,
(like the day my cousin or friend were killed, or 9/11)
this is one of those moments.
 
I remember what I was doing....mopping the floor
I remember what was on the radio...wicked
I remember who I was talking to...my dear friend Steph,
 
and then my life changed.
 
One person and some crazy words and my life would never be the same.
Not just for a while but forever.
 
So two years later where am I?
Most days I am great....most days!
Most days I do not even think about May 1st...most days!
And most days my heart is full of what I have and not what I don't....most days!
 
I have had 730 days of learning to accept and love the new me and the new life I was given.
I am a little slower to give of myself.
I am a little slower to trust another.
I watch my kids a little closer, and love them a little more.
I have had moments of grief, I lost my old life, I think I have the right to grieve over it.
I have moments that I feel like life is not fair or just.
I feel like I am pretty sure I don't remember signing up for this test in the pre-mortal life.
 
It honestly took me 15 months to be okay.
There were days I did not get out of bed.
There were other days that I would see someone who hurt me,
I would go to my room, lock the door and eat a whole bag of PB cups.
There were days when my kids would get picked on
and I would scream, and cry and pray with all my heart to know what to do.
Other days my children would be mad at me because it was my friend who did this to us.
Maybe if I was not her friend this would not have happened.
Maybe!
 
 
And then one day...I just let it go!
I know super cliché, but I did.
I turned it all over to my Savior Jesus Christ and I let it go.
I let him wrap his arms around me and carry me the rest of the way.
He loves me, he wants me to be happy.
He knows what I have been through, he knows my pains, he has felt my heart ache.
I have felt his arms around me more than once.
He has helped me let it go!
 
 
Don't get me wrong some days are really hard.
Some days it still hits me like a ton of bricks.
Those days are getting farther apart and not as noticeable as those 730 days have gone by.
 
Each year I pick a theme song for the year.
(I know semi jr highish....don't really care)
 
Last year it was "Brave" by Idina Menzel
 
Well this year we went with another Idina Menzel song you have probably heard of....
 
"Let it go" from Frozen.
 
There is a part that talks about how a little distance makes everything alright,
 and the fears that once controlled her can't get to her anymore.
I love how she says the past is in the past and she is never going back.
 
That is exactly how I feel.  A little distance, not as many fears and the past is in the past!
 
So I have let it go....like any good Witch would!