Good Timber

 

I feel a lot like this tree.

Chaotic,  Gnarled,  Hurt from too many storms.

Big, Beautiful, and Stronger than I was because of the storms.

 

Elder Douglas Malloch, in LDS general conference gave a talk about god timber that hit home with me.  My favorite quote (I actually have it hanging on my wall) reads,

 

"Good timber does not come with ease,

The stronger the Wind,

The STRONGER the Trees."

 

I have felt like the last 23 months have been a constant state of wind. 

At the moment that I get my barrings in place I find myself once again wind blown and out of breath.  It is a constant wind storm that has not left. 

 

The wind has left me with out a home (finally) which is a blessing, but it makes me feel as if I do not have a place to be planted to grow and to become what the Lord wants me to be.  The friends we have made in our "links forest" our wonderful, but the chance of us living here forever are slim to none.  So with everything we have we try to make the best of it, knowing that we will leave once again to be planted someplace new.

 

Our lives our very chaotic, I never realized how easy my life was when everything was at my finger tips.  Everything had a place and a spot.  Kids had their own spaces for sleeping and homework.  I had my own room to lock myself away from the worries of the day if I needed.  We are doing what needs to be done.  Eight people are living in 900 square feet as we await for our new place to grow roots.  It is hard, I have to be more OCD about everything.  We have to run the family like military drills.  We do it, we do it well and it is working.

It is still chaotic!

 

Our lives are gnarled into "that" life and "this" life.  

We go places and run into those that so badly hurt us, and are never sure the out come.

Sometimes we get the "pretend they are not here".

Other times the "dance around the huge elephant in the room."

My favorite is the "I am pretty sure you are a spy with all the weird and interrogating questions you are asking."

Last but not least the "because I have seen you, you must be punished in someway."

It is always a fun game of Russian Roulette to see what we will get as are prize for getting gas, or groceries, visiting a friend, or just being around their kingdom. 

The Kingdom they ran us out of!

Just when we feel like everything is great,

something happens and we once again this life gnarls with that life.

 

I am not hurting anymore on a day to day as I was not too long ago.

Each day I wake up reminding myself that....

 I choose to be HAPPY and BRIGHTER DAYS ARE COMING!!

 

Then I also look at that Good Timber and think of all the other things I have become because of the wind ad storms thrown our way.

 

I am BIG

My spirit has grown by leaps and bounds.

I can honestly say that for the first time I my life I can feel HIS presence everyday in my life.

I have always know he was there, sometimes I even closed the door on him. Today I can say he is a everyday presence in my life.  I feel him comfort me, and guild me and love me in ways I could have only imagined.  There are still times that my mind tells me other wise, that I am not good enough or loved enough to have Gods love in my life as a constant.  Then my spirit rallies up and reminds me other wise. 

I am thankful for those winds that have taught me to listen better and deeper.

 

I am BEAUTIFUL!

Some people while going through the wind storms look wind blown and worn down. 

 I have had those days...too may to count.

Most days I wake up and put on my armor, the Armor Of God, and step out into the cruel world like everyone else.  We all have trials, we all have wind, but how we deal with that wind is what makes us that strong timber.  Sometimes I have to fake it until I make it.  Last Sunday I was going to my old church for a missionary homecoming. 

 I would not miss it for the world. 

 

Was I nervous?   YES

Was I scared something would be said or done again?   YES

Did I go anyway?   YES

If you would have seen me in the car 10 minutes before the meeting you would have thought I was a crazy lady talking to myself in my car....well maybe I am!

 

I gave myself a pep talk..

YOU ARE AWESOME
YOU ARE A DAUGHTER OF GOD

HE LOVES YOU

HE WILL PROTECT YOU FROM THE STORM

DO NOT ALLOW OTHERS TO CONTROL YOU
FAKE IT TELL YOU MAKE IT

CHECK YOUR LIPSTICK
BE BEAUTIFUL

 

Some days I feel weak, run down and so emotionally drained

 that I am lucky to get out of bed.

As time as healed my heart and spirit, I have become stronger.

Not very often am I in my bed in the fetal position thinking why me?

I see the Lords hand in my life walking besides me,

and sometimes even carrying me through the day. 

 I understand more fully the atonement and the role of the Savior in my life. 

 He has made me Stronger!

 

James E. Faust taught:

 

“The thorns that prick, that stick in the flesh, that hurt, often change lives which seem robbed of significance and hope. This change comes about through a refining process which often seems cruel and hard. In this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master in building lives of faith, usefulness, beauty, and strength.” 

 

I am so thankful for the winds and storms in my life,

the struggles that have turned me into the clay the Master needs to work with.  When days are hard I know that if I turn to Him all will be well. 

 I will never know when the wind will blow, or when the storm will rage.

  I will valiantly be ready as all good timber is.