To leave the life I have better than I found it.

As I turn 34 in a few short hours I have pondered on the thought of what the last year has brought to me. Last year on the eve of my 33rd birthday we were frantically packing a trailer with the last of our life. We left our old home in the darkness of night on the eve of my 33rd year, to hopefully find our rainbow after our storm. Not everything has been rosy, the rainbow is still not a constant in our lives, and sometimes I even doubt our choice.

Then there are those moments that I remember all the kind and wonderful people who have made my life better by just being my friend. Those that felt prompted to stop by, or send a note. Those that after we moved know when I need a call or text reminding me they are thinking about me.

So as last Sunday the Primary at my church sang Happy Birthday to me, my cute little class (I teach the 5/6 year olds) asked me what I wanted. I replied to each one of the 6 smiling faces looking at me, that I wanted them to be a little kinder, and little nicer and a little more like Jesus this week.

So this small suggestion by me has made me rethink what I really wanted for my birthday. A little more love, a little more peace, a little more kindness and more Christ like love in our world. As soon as I turn on my computer my heart breaks for the families that have lost loved ones on airplanes, or in war, or by deadly diseases. At every turn someone is hurting, their heart and souls are breaking. I am lucky, I have had my heart and soul crack, but never have I been in such despair.

Well what am I to do?

How can I help?

 I am only one weak person in a world full of troubled waters.

OR AM I?

Sunday night after a lot of thought I made the decision that before I turned 34, I would do 34 acts of kindness to brighten the world I live in.
Monday morning I started with a bang and I have been busy non stop ever sense.

Here is my list, I know silly, but I am a list maker~
1~Helped my mom in her class room
2~Wrote a thank you Note
3~sent a note to a friend
4~Sent get well card
5~made quilt for a new nephew
6~made quilt for my niece
7~sent a baby gift to a friend in AZ
8~made an apron for my little nephew
9~gave out a recipe for yummy beans
10~took a Diet Coke to Q's preschool teacher
11~washed and took back sleeping bag
12-17 Made cookies for the kids in my primary class
18~ sent nephew and niece who live in Las Vegas ice cream money
19~ Paid for the lunch of the car behind me
20~ Wrote a note to an Aunt I have been thinking about
21~ Helped kid at target find his mom
22~ bought the missionaries groceries
23~ made bread for a neighbor
24-29 took cupcakes to those who have made my day a little better and brighter over the last year
30~ helped a young lady with car troubles get her car started
31~ ironed all the clothes (this is a service for my future self)
32~ gave my very large dog a bath
33~made the ladies at ARUP roll on the floor with laughter
34~ gave blood for the first time ever!

I feel amazing. Nothing on the list was huge or took up too much of my day. I am not even sure if it effected anyone else, but I know it has effected me. I am more happy and full of life than I was a week ago, let alone a year ago.  Isn't it amazing how service can make us feel so AWESOME?!!

This is my goal.. for the 34 year old me...to leave this life I have been given better than I found it!

730 days

730 days sounds like forever.

It is only 2 years!

On may 1, 2012 my life would be changed forever.

Not in a way you want to remember, like a birth.

In a horrible way, like a death.



I did not loose anyone through death.

I did not have to burry a child, or spouse, or parent.

 

I did loose someone.

Actually to be completely honest I lost my whole life.

I lost friends,

I lost ward members,

I lost neighbors,

I lost my home,

and I lost a piece of myself.

 

It is not very far I my memory of the exact moment my life was changed.

Just like those moments that are seared into your memory forever,

(like the day my cousin or friend were killed, or 9/11)

this is one of those moments.

 

I remember what I was doing....mopping the floor

I remember what was on the radio...wicked

I remember who I was talking to...my dear friend Steph,

 

and then my life changed.

 

One person and some crazy words and my life would never be the same.

Not just for a while but forever.

 

So two years later where am I?

Most days I am great....most days!

Most days I do not even think about May 1st...most days!

And most days my heart is full of what I have and not what I don't....most days!

 

I have had 730 days of learning to accept and love the new me and the new life I was given.

I am a little slower to give of myself.

I am a little slower to trust another.

I watch my kids a little closer, and love them a little more.

I have had moments of grief, I lost my old life, I think I have the right to grieve over it.

I have moments that I feel like life is not fair or just.

I feel like I am pretty sure I don't remember signing up for this test in the pre-mortal life.

 

It honestly took me 15 months to be okay.

There were days I did not get out of bed.

There were other days that I would see someone who hurt me,

I would go to my room, lock the door and eat a whole bag of PB cups.

There were days when my kids would get picked on

and I would scream, and cry and pray with all my heart to know what to do.

Other days my children would be mad at me because it was my friend who did this to us.

Maybe if I was not her friend this would not have happened.

Maybe!

 

 

And then one day...I just let it go!

I know super cliché, but I did.

I turned it all over to my Savior Jesus Christ and I let it go.

I let him wrap his arms around me and carry me the rest of the way.

He loves me, he wants me to be happy.

He knows what I have been through, he knows my pains, he has felt my heart ache.

I have felt his arms around me more than once.

He has helped me let it go!

 

 

Don't get me wrong some days are really hard.

Some days it still hits me like a ton of bricks.

Those days are getting farther apart and not as noticeable as those 730 days have gone by.

 

Each year I pick a theme song for the year.

(I know semi jr highish....don't really care)

 

Last year it was "Brave" by Idina Menzel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luiRqbZ7t8U

 

Well this year we went with another Idina Menzel song you have probably heard of....

 

"Let it go" from Frozen.

 

There is a part that talks about how a little distance makes everything alright,

 and the fears that once controlled her can't get to her anymore.

I love how she says the past is in the past and she is never going back.

 

That is exactly how I feel.  A little distance, not as many fears and the past is in the past!

 

So I have let it go....like any good Witch would!

 

Good Timber

 

I feel a lot like this tree.

Chaotic,  Gnarled,  Hurt from too many storms.

Big, Beautiful, and Stronger than I was because of the storms.

 

Elder Douglas Malloch, in LDS general conference gave a talk about god timber that hit home with me.  My favorite quote (I actually have it hanging on my wall) reads,

 

"Good timber does not come with ease,

The stronger the Wind,

The STRONGER the Trees."

 

I have felt like the last 23 months have been a constant state of wind. 

At the moment that I get my barrings in place I find myself once again wind blown and out of breath.  It is a constant wind storm that has not left. 

 

The wind has left me with out a home (finally) which is a blessing, but it makes me feel as if I do not have a place to be planted to grow and to become what the Lord wants me to be.  The friends we have made in our "links forest" our wonderful, but the chance of us living here forever are slim to none.  So with everything we have we try to make the best of it, knowing that we will leave once again to be planted someplace new.

 

Our lives our very chaotic, I never realized how easy my life was when everything was at my finger tips.  Everything had a place and a spot.  Kids had their own spaces for sleeping and homework.  I had my own room to lock myself away from the worries of the day if I needed.  We are doing what needs to be done.  Eight people are living in 900 square feet as we await for our new place to grow roots.  It is hard, I have to be more OCD about everything.  We have to run the family like military drills.  We do it, we do it well and it is working.

It is still chaotic!

 

Our lives are gnarled into "that" life and "this" life.  

We go places and run into those that so badly hurt us, and are never sure the out come.

Sometimes we get the "pretend they are not here".

Other times the "dance around the huge elephant in the room."

My favorite is the "I am pretty sure you are a spy with all the weird and interrogating questions you are asking."

Last but not least the "because I have seen you, you must be punished in someway."

It is always a fun game of Russian Roulette to see what we will get as are prize for getting gas, or groceries, visiting a friend, or just being around their kingdom. 

The Kingdom they ran us out of!

Just when we feel like everything is great,

something happens and we once again this life gnarls with that life.

 

I am not hurting anymore on a day to day as I was not too long ago.

Each day I wake up reminding myself that....

 I choose to be HAPPY and BRIGHTER DAYS ARE COMING!!

 

Then I also look at that Good Timber and think of all the other things I have become because of the wind ad storms thrown our way.

 

I am BIG

My spirit has grown by leaps and bounds.

I can honestly say that for the first time I my life I can feel HIS presence everyday in my life.

I have always know he was there, sometimes I even closed the door on him. Today I can say he is a everyday presence in my life.  I feel him comfort me, and guild me and love me in ways I could have only imagined.  There are still times that my mind tells me other wise, that I am not good enough or loved enough to have Gods love in my life as a constant.  Then my spirit rallies up and reminds me other wise. 

I am thankful for those winds that have taught me to listen better and deeper.

 

I am BEAUTIFUL!

Some people while going through the wind storms look wind blown and worn down. 

 I have had those days...too may to count.

Most days I wake up and put on my armor, the Armor Of God, and step out into the cruel world like everyone else.  We all have trials, we all have wind, but how we deal with that wind is what makes us that strong timber.  Sometimes I have to fake it until I make it.  Last Sunday I was going to my old church for a missionary homecoming. 

 I would not miss it for the world. 

 

Was I nervous?   YES

Was I scared something would be said or done again?   YES

Did I go anyway?   YES

If you would have seen me in the car 10 minutes before the meeting you would have thought I was a crazy lady talking to myself in my car....well maybe I am!

 

I gave myself a pep talk..

YOU ARE AWESOME
YOU ARE A DAUGHTER OF GOD

HE LOVES YOU

HE WILL PROTECT YOU FROM THE STORM

DO NOT ALLOW OTHERS TO CONTROL YOU
FAKE IT TELL YOU MAKE IT

CHECK YOUR LIPSTICK
BE BEAUTIFUL

 

Some days I feel weak, run down and so emotionally drained

 that I am lucky to get out of bed.

As time as healed my heart and spirit, I have become stronger.

Not very often am I in my bed in the fetal position thinking why me?

I see the Lords hand in my life walking besides me,

and sometimes even carrying me through the day. 

 I understand more fully the atonement and the role of the Savior in my life. 

 He has made me Stronger!

 

James E. Faust taught:

 

“The thorns that prick, that stick in the flesh, that hurt, often change lives which seem robbed of significance and hope. This change comes about through a refining process which often seems cruel and hard. In this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master in building lives of faith, usefulness, beauty, and strength.” 

 

I am so thankful for the winds and storms in my life,

the struggles that have turned me into the clay the Master needs to work with.  When days are hard I know that if I turn to Him all will be well. 

 I will never know when the wind will blow, or when the storm will rage.

  I will valiantly be ready as all good timber is.