I have been changed for good!

I have been thinking a lot about how much my life has changed in the last five years.

First of all, if you would have told me five years ago when I was in the depths of  Hell, that I would be were I am today I would have told you that you were NUTS!  I was so sad, broken and it hurt to even breathe, someday's waking up and living seemed like such a task. A task that frankly I did not know if I was even strong enough to master.  

I am not writing to talk about all the hurt and anger, I am over that....so OVER that! 

Today as I CELEBRATE five years of a FABULOUS life, a life with trials, misunderstandings, forgiveness, loss, growth, joy and accomplishments, I am writing to give thanks for all of it!

(For today's thoughts, however, I need to give my friend who hurt me so badly a nickname.  I am sure she does not read my blog, but I want her to have the respect she should have, and really I don't need to hurt her by calling her out.  So for today her name shall be Yenta!  Oh how I am so thankful for my friend Yenta, because of her I have been changed for the better!)

It is interesting as you look back on a trial, or a situation you can start to see all the beauty in the darkness of that time.  You can see the silver linings shining, through and the way the master has molded you into something better.  As I look back I can see the masters hand in so many of the choices I had to make, the friendships I have gained and the person I have become.

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Five years ago in all my brokenness, I had a friend ask me if  I wanted to take on a little side job cleaning mortuaries and office buildings.  The pay was okay, I could do it while the kids slept and it gave me a chance to escape the craziness my life was in that moment.  If only I knew how my simple answer of YES would change my life, frankly FOREVER!

I was put with a partner to clean with, little did either of us know how much we needed the other. Lori was going through a nasty divorce and I was every way, but right side up.  She needed someone to listen to her complaints and so did I, and it was fabulous to be able to gripe to someone who did not know the other person we were whining about. Lori could tell me all about her ex-husband and I could tell her all about "crazy Yenta."  We would talk even after our shifts were over, we would cry together, laugh together and cheer each other on.  

I am pretty sure Lori is really just another one of my sisters, because we have that kind of relationship.  I know if I called her right now, she would drop anything and everything to help me.  She has helped me pack as we moved away from our old home, and unpack at my new home.  She has cheered me on as I signed up for school, and held my hand as I cried through accounting.  Lori is not only a friend, but a mentor, and a true example of Christ in my life.  She loves with all of her heart, and she is a fantastic mom to three of the best Little Ladies in the world.  Even now that neither of us work as cleaning ladies, we still remain best of friends.

I know that Heavenly Father placed Lori in my life at the exact right moment, for the exact purpose of being my friend when I was so unlovable and needy.  I know that with out the chaos and turmoil going on in my life I would have never felt like I needed a little break.  I would have never taken the cleaning job, and I would have never had the opportunity to meet one of my closest friends.  I am so thankful for Yenta, and the craziness she caused, because without it, Lori would not be part of my life.  I cannot imagine my life without my friend in it, she is truly one of the silver linings in a very dark time in my life.

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After Brent and I decided to move our family into my in laws basement, I really thought life would get easier.  It did not.  Yenta was still at her old ways, and many of my friends from the old neighborhood were still suffering.  I thought our house would sell fast if it was empty and clean all the time.  I always have a hard time remembering that my timing and the Lords are usually not the same.  What I thought would be quick and easy because I followed the promptings of the spirit, ended up being over 15 months living in a tiny basement apartment.  At the time I could not see the reasoning behind waiting and waiting and waiting.  At times I even got mad at the Lord, lets be honest at times I turned my back on him.  I did not understand his plan, I did not want to wait, I did not want to listen and I wanted to be the boss. As time moved on, I realized the reason it took so long.

WE NEEDED TO BE HERE!

We needed to stay in the neighborhood and the ward we were in.  My family was growing and changing in fantastic ways.  My children were thriving in their schools, and church callings.  The friends my children have become friends with, have hearts of pure gold.  They love my children despite their flaws and craziness.  Even though our old neighborhood and friends are fantastic, and I still miss them deeply.  This neighborhood has something special mixed in, and it has healed our hearts.  It has healed MY broken heart.

We found a cute "little" fixer upper to get out my anger and aggression on, and start a new life in a place the Lord found for us. If my old house would have sold when I wanted it to, my new house would not have been for sale, and we would not be here, where we belong.  It is all about the Lord's timing, not mine, remember.  At times it is still challenging. I still miss my old friends, my old house, my finished backyard, and the life I lived, but I would not change anything.  Despite what Yenta did, I still have my best friends from the old neighborhood, I have a beautiful house that needs me to love, and one day I will have a fantastic backyard, it will just take time.

My house is a lot like me, a little broken, a little tired, and she just needs a little faith and love and she will be amazing.  This house, neighborhood, ward and new friends have healed my bruised and wounded heart!

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So back to that cleaning job, and how it has changed me.  Who would have thought that learning to deep clean to perfection would change me in so many ways.  That job actually lead me to go back to school!  WHAT???  Yep, because of a cleaning job I went back to school.

One of the places we cleaned is a little company known as Lindquist Mortuaries.  We usually cleaned at night when no one was in the building.  It might sound creepy or weird, but dead bodies don't scare me, so it was no big deal.  One of the main rules of cleaning is you need to leave the "real" employees alone.  Don't talk to them, never touch their stuff, really just leave them alone.  Well, let me tell you a little something about Funeral Directors, they think they are funny!  They think they are the funniest people around, and they LOVE to scare the poor little cleaning ladies!  Many of them would talk to us, tease us, and play jokes on us.  They are supper great, and were always kind (unless they were scaring us), and even tried to help us out.

One of the funeral directors (even though he does not remember this), told me that maybe I should go back to school and become a funeral director.  He would tell me this every time I would see him, so one day I looked into it.  What do you know? Right here in little ol' Utah is a Mortuary Science program.  I thought about it for about a few weeks, each time going into work talking to Lori and my funeral director friend Eric about if I should go to school or not. This was not an easy choice.  I don't "need" to work, I have 6 kids, and really do I have time for school in my life?  I fasted and prayed about it, and after another few weeks, I went and signed up for school, and  I HAVE NOT LOOKED BACK!

Going back to school has done AMAZING things for my spirit and mind.  I absolutely love school, I love to learn and I love that I am becoming something better than I was.  School has not always been easy; housework, homework, children, and the hubby all seem to need me at the same time.  I have had great support from Brent and my family, to my teachers at school, and neighbors that will help me with the kids if I needed it.  I love my friends at school, there are only 13 of us in the program and we have become a family.  We want each other to succeed, and be the best we can be.  I now have 15 (I count my professors) friends I would never have met, had it not been for the situation with Yenta!  Fifteen people who see my flaws and my mistakes and still want me to succeed.  We will be friends forever, even though we work at "competitors" locations.

(SLCC Mortuary Science class of 2017)

In 4 days I graduate from school with my Mortuary Science Degree!  In a couple of weeks I will take my national board exam, and I will be a licensed funeral director!!!  

Holy cow, I am a grown up!

It is often said that being a funeral director is not a job, but rather a calling.  I honestly feel that I was blessed with this calling because of the situation with Yenta.  I know what it feels like to have your world come crumbling down, I know what it feels like to not know how you will go on day to day, and I know how it feels to love something so much and to have it gone in a blink of an eye.  This experience has made me better able to empathize with those families I serve.  It has made me judge less and love more, and it has made me put my arms around someone, give them a hug and just listen. Even though I did not experience death, I understand grief and mourning a little better because of Yenta.  Again, I am so thankful for the experience I had to go through, for the lessons I had to learn, so I cold be something better than I was before.

(Working hard with my buddy Eric)

Now onto the future!  I have been working at Linquist for the last 6 months, as a student precept.  I am hoping that in a few short weeks after I take my national board exam I will be working there full time.  I love the people I work with!  I love the "boys club" I have been let into.  I love how going to work has made me see the happiness in my life, EVERYDAY!!  I have gained a new set of friends, too many to count, that want me to be a better me.  They want me to be there, they see the potential in me, and they want me to succeed.  I am so excited for the future, and what it will bring.  I am so thankful for the experience I had to go through, so that I could have empathy and compassion for those I work with.  With out the pain that Yenta put me through I would not have joy I have now. 

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Oh, how five short years have changed me in ways I could not have even imagined!  In the mist of all my troubles, and my sorrows President Monson told "me" about changing my sorrows and heartbreak into something better!  

I have been rambling, sorry about that.

I think that it is because I need to let my friend know that I am thankful for her, and the person she helped me to become.  She pushed me out of my comfort zone and into a place I felt out of control in.  That push propelled me into a fantastic tail spin, that at times felt suffocating, but as I learned to put my trust in my Savior and his plan, I finally could breath again. I could see the beauty that came from this experience and the joy the pain has brought to me. 

Long ago I forgave my friend Yenta for the pain she brought to me, but I have never publicly told her thank you.  So thank you Yenta, because of you I have been changed for the better, I have been changed for good!

 

To leave the life I have better than I found it.

As I turn 34 in a few short hours I have pondered on the thought of what the last year has brought to me. Last year on the eve of my 33rd birthday we were frantically packing a trailer with the last of our life. We left our old home in the darkness of night on the eve of my 33rd year, to hopefully find our rainbow after our storm. Not everything has been rosy, the rainbow is still not a constant in our lives, and sometimes I even doubt our choice.

Then there are those moments that I remember all the kind and wonderful people who have made my life better by just being my friend. Those that felt prompted to stop by, or send a note. Those that after we moved know when I need a call or text reminding me they are thinking about me.

So as last Sunday the Primary at my church sang Happy Birthday to me, my cute little class (I teach the 5/6 year olds) asked me what I wanted. I replied to each one of the 6 smiling faces looking at me, that I wanted them to be a little kinder, and little nicer and a little more like Jesus this week.

So this small suggestion by me has made me rethink what I really wanted for my birthday. A little more love, a little more peace, a little more kindness and more Christ like love in our world. As soon as I turn on my computer my heart breaks for the families that have lost loved ones on airplanes, or in war, or by deadly diseases. At every turn someone is hurting, their heart and souls are breaking. I am lucky, I have had my heart and soul crack, but never have I been in such despair.

Well what am I to do?

How can I help?

 I am only one weak person in a world full of troubled waters.

OR AM I?

Sunday night after a lot of thought I made the decision that before I turned 34, I would do 34 acts of kindness to brighten the world I live in.
Monday morning I started with a bang and I have been busy non stop ever sense.

Here is my list, I know silly, but I am a list maker~
1~Helped my mom in her class room
2~Wrote a thank you Note
3~sent a note to a friend
4~Sent get well card
5~made quilt for a new nephew
6~made quilt for my niece
7~sent a baby gift to a friend in AZ
8~made an apron for my little nephew
9~gave out a recipe for yummy beans
10~took a Diet Coke to Q's preschool teacher
11~washed and took back sleeping bag
12-17 Made cookies for the kids in my primary class
18~ sent nephew and niece who live in Las Vegas ice cream money
19~ Paid for the lunch of the car behind me
20~ Wrote a note to an Aunt I have been thinking about
21~ Helped kid at target find his mom
22~ bought the missionaries groceries
23~ made bread for a neighbor
24-29 took cupcakes to those who have made my day a little better and brighter over the last year
30~ helped a young lady with car troubles get her car started
31~ ironed all the clothes (this is a service for my future self)
32~ gave my very large dog a bath
33~made the ladies at ARUP roll on the floor with laughter
34~ gave blood for the first time ever!

I feel amazing. Nothing on the list was huge or took up too much of my day. I am not even sure if it effected anyone else, but I know it has effected me. I am more happy and full of life than I was a week ago, let alone a year ago.  Isn't it amazing how service can make us feel so AWESOME?!!

This is my goal.. for the 34 year old me...to leave this life I have been given better than I found it!

730 days

730 days sounds like forever.

It is only 2 years!

On may 1, 2012 my life would be changed forever.

Not in a way you want to remember, like a birth.

In a horrible way, like a death.



I did not loose anyone through death.

I did not have to burry a child, or spouse, or parent.

 

I did loose someone.

Actually to be completely honest I lost my whole life.

I lost friends,

I lost ward members,

I lost neighbors,

I lost my home,

and I lost a piece of myself.

 

It is not very far I my memory of the exact moment my life was changed.

Just like those moments that are seared into your memory forever,

(like the day my cousin or friend were killed, or 9/11)

this is one of those moments.

 

I remember what I was doing....mopping the floor

I remember what was on the radio...wicked

I remember who I was talking to...my dear friend Steph,

 

and then my life changed.

 

One person and some crazy words and my life would never be the same.

Not just for a while but forever.

 

So two years later where am I?

Most days I am great....most days!

Most days I do not even think about May 1st...most days!

And most days my heart is full of what I have and not what I don't....most days!

 

I have had 730 days of learning to accept and love the new me and the new life I was given.

I am a little slower to give of myself.

I am a little slower to trust another.

I watch my kids a little closer, and love them a little more.

I have had moments of grief, I lost my old life, I think I have the right to grieve over it.

I have moments that I feel like life is not fair or just.

I feel like I am pretty sure I don't remember signing up for this test in the pre-mortal life.

 

It honestly took me 15 months to be okay.

There were days I did not get out of bed.

There were other days that I would see someone who hurt me,

I would go to my room, lock the door and eat a whole bag of PB cups.

There were days when my kids would get picked on

and I would scream, and cry and pray with all my heart to know what to do.

Other days my children would be mad at me because it was my friend who did this to us.

Maybe if I was not her friend this would not have happened.

Maybe!

 

 

And then one day...I just let it go!

I know super cliché, but I did.

I turned it all over to my Savior Jesus Christ and I let it go.

I let him wrap his arms around me and carry me the rest of the way.

He loves me, he wants me to be happy.

He knows what I have been through, he knows my pains, he has felt my heart ache.

I have felt his arms around me more than once.

He has helped me let it go!

 

 

Don't get me wrong some days are really hard.

Some days it still hits me like a ton of bricks.

Those days are getting farther apart and not as noticeable as those 730 days have gone by.

 

Each year I pick a theme song for the year.

(I know semi jr highish....don't really care)

 

Last year it was "Brave" by Idina Menzel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luiRqbZ7t8U

 

Well this year we went with another Idina Menzel song you have probably heard of....

 

"Let it go" from Frozen.

 

There is a part that talks about how a little distance makes everything alright,

 and the fears that once controlled her can't get to her anymore.

I love how she says the past is in the past and she is never going back.

 

That is exactly how I feel.  A little distance, not as many fears and the past is in the past!

 

So I have let it go....like any good Witch would!

 

Good Timber

 

I feel a lot like this tree.

Chaotic,  Gnarled,  Hurt from too many storms.

Big, Beautiful, and Stronger than I was because of the storms.

 

Elder Douglas Malloch, in LDS general conference gave a talk about god timber that hit home with me.  My favorite quote (I actually have it hanging on my wall) reads,

 

"Good timber does not come with ease,

The stronger the Wind,

The STRONGER the Trees."

 

I have felt like the last 23 months have been a constant state of wind. 

At the moment that I get my barrings in place I find myself once again wind blown and out of breath.  It is a constant wind storm that has not left. 

 

The wind has left me with out a home (finally) which is a blessing, but it makes me feel as if I do not have a place to be planted to grow and to become what the Lord wants me to be.  The friends we have made in our "links forest" our wonderful, but the chance of us living here forever are slim to none.  So with everything we have we try to make the best of it, knowing that we will leave once again to be planted someplace new.

 

Our lives our very chaotic, I never realized how easy my life was when everything was at my finger tips.  Everything had a place and a spot.  Kids had their own spaces for sleeping and homework.  I had my own room to lock myself away from the worries of the day if I needed.  We are doing what needs to be done.  Eight people are living in 900 square feet as we await for our new place to grow roots.  It is hard, I have to be more OCD about everything.  We have to run the family like military drills.  We do it, we do it well and it is working.

It is still chaotic!

 

Our lives are gnarled into "that" life and "this" life.  

We go places and run into those that so badly hurt us, and are never sure the out come.

Sometimes we get the "pretend they are not here".

Other times the "dance around the huge elephant in the room."

My favorite is the "I am pretty sure you are a spy with all the weird and interrogating questions you are asking."

Last but not least the "because I have seen you, you must be punished in someway."

It is always a fun game of Russian Roulette to see what we will get as are prize for getting gas, or groceries, visiting a friend, or just being around their kingdom. 

The Kingdom they ran us out of!

Just when we feel like everything is great,

something happens and we once again this life gnarls with that life.

 

I am not hurting anymore on a day to day as I was not too long ago.

Each day I wake up reminding myself that....

 I choose to be HAPPY and BRIGHTER DAYS ARE COMING!!

 

Then I also look at that Good Timber and think of all the other things I have become because of the wind ad storms thrown our way.

 

I am BIG

My spirit has grown by leaps and bounds.

I can honestly say that for the first time I my life I can feel HIS presence everyday in my life.

I have always know he was there, sometimes I even closed the door on him. Today I can say he is a everyday presence in my life.  I feel him comfort me, and guild me and love me in ways I could have only imagined.  There are still times that my mind tells me other wise, that I am not good enough or loved enough to have Gods love in my life as a constant.  Then my spirit rallies up and reminds me other wise. 

I am thankful for those winds that have taught me to listen better and deeper.

 

I am BEAUTIFUL!

Some people while going through the wind storms look wind blown and worn down. 

 I have had those days...too may to count.

Most days I wake up and put on my armor, the Armor Of God, and step out into the cruel world like everyone else.  We all have trials, we all have wind, but how we deal with that wind is what makes us that strong timber.  Sometimes I have to fake it until I make it.  Last Sunday I was going to my old church for a missionary homecoming. 

 I would not miss it for the world. 

 

Was I nervous?   YES

Was I scared something would be said or done again?   YES

Did I go anyway?   YES

If you would have seen me in the car 10 minutes before the meeting you would have thought I was a crazy lady talking to myself in my car....well maybe I am!

 

I gave myself a pep talk..

YOU ARE AWESOME
YOU ARE A DAUGHTER OF GOD

HE LOVES YOU

HE WILL PROTECT YOU FROM THE STORM

DO NOT ALLOW OTHERS TO CONTROL YOU
FAKE IT TELL YOU MAKE IT

CHECK YOUR LIPSTICK
BE BEAUTIFUL

 

Some days I feel weak, run down and so emotionally drained

 that I am lucky to get out of bed.

As time as healed my heart and spirit, I have become stronger.

Not very often am I in my bed in the fetal position thinking why me?

I see the Lords hand in my life walking besides me,

and sometimes even carrying me through the day. 

 I understand more fully the atonement and the role of the Savior in my life. 

 He has made me Stronger!

 

James E. Faust taught:

 

“The thorns that prick, that stick in the flesh, that hurt, often change lives which seem robbed of significance and hope. This change comes about through a refining process which often seems cruel and hard. In this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master in building lives of faith, usefulness, beauty, and strength.” 

 

I am so thankful for the winds and storms in my life,

the struggles that have turned me into the clay the Master needs to work with.  When days are hard I know that if I turn to Him all will be well. 

 I will never know when the wind will blow, or when the storm will rage.

  I will valiantly be ready as all good timber is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The story of a Witch...

Some may ask why I my blog is Wicked Witch Writes. 

Do I love wicked witches?  YES! 
Do I love Wicked the musical? YES!!
Do I see myself as outcast and misunderstood as a wicked witch?  YES!!!

Those are the short answers. 

The long answer is a year in the making.  A year that has at some moments felt like an eternity and at some other moments it has felt as if I am in "ground hog day" repeating the same day over and over.   A year of unimaginable lows and trials that I did not think I would be able to bare.  Some days I would be so broken I would just cry in bed all day.  My heart, my head, my body all ached from this one single moment.  My heart aches for my children who are still dealing with the ripple effect of that day.

So let me tell you about a witch.....
              
* small disclaimer...if you have never seen Wicked....I may give parts of it away.

I have a friend who once told me he knew why I loved "Wicked" so much.  His reasoning was because I was so much like the "wicked" witch Elphaba.  To someone who has never seen Wicked, this may seem like a horrible thing to call someone, but to me who loves Wicked as much as I do and who knows it like I do this is a complement.  The best I could ever recieve.

You see in Wicked the Wicked witch is good, she is just an outcast and misunderstood.  All the good she tries to do is for not.  No one believes that someone so green could be good.  Rumors spread about her and her reasoning for doing the things she does, and the people of Oz believe the rumors over her.  Even some people who knew her and knew her intentions, go along with the crowd.

There is a part when her best friend (Glinda the Good Witch) tricks Elphaba by having a house fall on her sister.  Kind of a mean trick if you ask me.  When Glinda realizes what has happened because of her, she feels remorse and tries to make it better but it is too late.  She has changed and so has Elphaba and nothing Glinda can do can make it better for the Wicked witch.  Because she is Wicked...or at least everyone thinks she is.  Elphaba's only option is to leave, to never be seen from again, or as we know get melted away by a girl with ruby slippers.

I do feel a kinship with Elphaba.  I know how it feels to be betrayed by someone who you thought was your friend.  I know how it feels to to stand nose to nose and fight with your friend who betrayed you.  Knowing that you both are doing what you feel is the right thing to do.

I am sad that because of my friends actions my life has been flipped upside down.  That just like the Wicked witch my family is leaving our home, and starting over with the hope of being left alone and never being found again.

I also have the same love Elphaba has for Glinda at the end of the play, towards my friend.  I am sorry for what has happened, but I also feel bad for her.  I feel bad for her family and her children.  Saying you are sorry is always hard, admitting you are wrong is even harder, and sometimes forgiveness never happens. 

At the end of Wicked is my favorite song "For Good" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzrGFQysfYU  There is a part that says...

"And just to clear the air I ask forgiveness for the things I've done you blame me for~ (Elphaba)
But I guess we know there's blame to share~ (Glinda)
And none of that seems to matter any more" (both)

It is so true.  I know that both of us are at fault.  I know I handle the situation the best I knew how.  It may not have been the best way to others but it was the best way to me.  I had to protect family.  I also know my friend feels the same way.  She was doing what she thought she was doing the right and she was protecting her family.  I just wish it did not have to get so out of control.  Sometimes it feels so much like high school all over again...with all the useless drama!

Everyone keeps telling us just to forgive and it will all be better.  That is true to a point.  Forgiveness is hard to give when someone keeps hurting you over and over.  It is also hard to forgive when the other person will not stop trying to hurt you or your children or others who stand up for you.  The forgiveness has happened...over and over and over.  I knew that if I did not forgive her and others I would only be hurting myself.  But forgiveness does not make the other person stop acting the way they are.  Sometimes free agency really sucks.  It would be nice to say I forgive you now act like you are a grown up!!   I think that free agency directly effects forgiveness and that is what makes forgiveness so hard.  It is easy to forgive the first time or even the second, but when the same thing happens over and over it gets harder and harder to forgive.   I think that is why we must forgive, the first time, the third time, or the three hundredth time.  It almost is harder each time, but it is also easier.  I have found my self having more love and compassion for her each time she acts out and I need to forgive her again.  Maybe the Lord is teaching me something about his love for me.  No matter how many bad choices I make he still loves me, and cares about me, and forgives me with his whole heart!

Sometimes I wonder if Elphaba forgave Glinda?  I like to think she did!!

I took the one less traveled by

The Road Not Taken

       By: Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

This poem has been in my head for the past few days.  I remember memorizing it in 11th grade English.  Every once in a while it will just pop into my head, along with other poems I have had to memorize over the years.  This time it has been constant.  Almost daily for the last week I have been repeating this poem over and over.  Maybe it is because I am making some big choices lately. 

I am taking the road less traveled. 

We have been trying to sell our home for the last 7 months.  It has been the worst winter for house sales in the last ten years.  We have had showing after showing.  We put new carpet in, painted all the walls and made my house the best it has looked in the 8 years I have lived here.  It is still hard to think that today maybe the day, and once again it is not.  My three year old asks daily "do we have a house showing today?"  It is really taking a toll on all of us.  We even had a house lined up to move into but because it is taking do long that fell through.  

So about a month ago as my husband I contemplated on what would be the best situation for our family.

We chose the road less traveled by.

We are moving back to my in-laws!!!

It is not our first choice...or third...or fifteenth.  It is the BEST CHOICE!

Sometimes being a parent means picking the hard choice.  Our family has been through a lot in the last year.  People are cruel to my kids.  We do not feel welcomed or safe in our neighborhood, or at school or most shockingly at our church.  To tell the truth we have not been to our ward for almost a year!  We just go to my parents or brothers ward.  We live in a good community and there are good people around us, but the ones who want us out, the ones who are cruel and mean to us are much louder.  Being a mama bear I NEED to do what is best for my kids.

So we are packing up and moving out!  We are hoping I will not loose my sanity by always having to pile kids and a great Dane into the car every time we have a showing.  We are feeling welcomed at our new ward. The kids are excited to go to primary with their friends that they have only known for a few short weeks. They feel welcomed and loved by everyone there. My children can't wait to go to a new school, with their new friends.  They want to go to scout camps, and young men's, and school with these friends that are so kind and Christ like to them.   Feeling welcomed and loved is the greatest feeling. 

This has not been an easy choice, but we know it is the best choice.   It is amazing to me that as soon as we took that small leap of faith our house showings sky rocketed.  We had 22 showings in 9 days!!!!  I can see the lords hand working in all of this.  I just need to have the faith that it is the right move.  It saddens me to think that I am moving away from my home, my friends and the place I grew to love.  I know it is for the best, I just wish it all could be different. 

I wish that others could see that I am doing what my husband and I think is the best thing for our family.  We are not acting rash.  This has come with a lot of prayer and thought and determination to do what is the best thing for my kids.  Someone asked if I could just let things go and stay here and everything would work itself out.  My answer was we could stay, if we did not participate in church, school or neighborhood activities.  If my children did not talk or play with anyone.  That is no way to live.  Children should feel like they can ride their bikes, or play with the neighbor.  Even go to school or church with out having to worry about what others will say about them. 

These are my children, God in trusted them to me to do what was right for them.  It will be in my hands if they fall away from our faith.  I will do what is best for them....NO matter the cost.  If that means moving to another city, state, country, or planet I would do it for my children. 

So this will be hard....I am trying to see all the silver linings....and The Lord's hand in all things.  I know one day I will be repeating this last stanza~

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Boys to MEN

To tell you the truth I do not remember a lot of my brothers growing up.  My brothers are both younger than me.  When I got married they were 13 and 8!  So I saw them grow into men on the side lines.  One day I showed up and my brother was taller than me.  I just thought boys laid on the couch watching t.v, smelled funny and ate a lot.  I figured boys were easier to raise because by brothers never yelled and screamed like my sister and I did.  I don't remember my brothers studying for test,  or asking girls out on dates, or talking on the phone to their "girlfriends".  By the time these things started to happen I was married and had a little boy of my own!

The funny thing is growing up I  would rather be with a bunch of boys doing fun things then with one girl and all her drama.  I had friends that were girls in school, but I was more comfortable with my guy friends.  Maybe this is why I have 5 boys and one very tom-boy little girl.  Boys are fun, they are full of energy, they have very little drama, and they are always an adventure.

The thing I never realized growing up was how hard it is to raise a boy to become a MAN!  Naturally as they grow older they will become a grown up boy, but I want my boys to be men.  I want my boys to open doors for little old ladies, and hug their mama, and treat each other with kindness.  I want my daughter in laws to thank me because my sons know how to cook, and change a tire and a diaper, and how to love her unconditionally. 

THIS IS HARD!!

We live in a world were we plug into everything.  We don't need a job because things are handed to us.  We don't need to work hard because mom and dad will pay for school, or our house, or car, or x-box, etc.  We teach our children to think only of themselves, and they become self centered and selfish.  Then we throw them out into the real world and hope they can swim. 

The hardest part is what the world and others throw at our children.  We hear everyday about children being bullied, or committing suicide.  It is said it takes a village to raise a child, I believe it is also true that it takes only a few to destroy a child.  What happens when that village will not stand up and buffer that child from the hurt and pain.  They keep it inside and start to believe they are ugly, stupid, mean, wrong, or whatever else they have been told over and over again.  They start to believe that voice that tells them they will become nothing.  Maybe they should not be here.  Life would be better with out them.  These precious children loose faith in themselves!

As a mother this is our greatest challenge to raise sons who will become great men despite of the world around them.  To say I am lucky to have 5 boys is the truth.  It scares me right to death, but I have never backed down from a challenge yet. 

One of my greatest joys turns 14 in a few short hours!  I worry over him, not because he is not GREAT, but because I have messed up so much along the way.  He is a GREAT BIG BROTHER (even if teasing is part of the package), he is SMART, and FUNNY and KIND.  He will play chess with his sister over and over, and always let her win.  He wants his brothers to play video games with him, and will even get mad when they don't.  He is a good friend, a good scout and a GREAT YOUNG MAN!  He thinks he is funny when he tells me my arms are flabby, even if he knows I am stronger than him.  He loves to gloat in the fact he is taller than me...and will surpass his dad any day now.  He has had to endure being bullied, and lied about behind his back and to his face. Despite all of this he is a wonderful kid that I am lucky enough to call mine! 

Fourteen years ago when they laid his little life into my arms I was amazed that the Lord in trusted me with him.  I continue to be amazed!  The Lord knew that I needed him as much as he needed me.  He has taught me how to be patient and loving and kind to all, even to those that try to destroy him.  He has taught me how to laugh and cry and yell and whisper.  He makes my heart hurt for him.  I remember watching the Columbine High school shooting just a few days after he came home from the hospital.  I could not imagine bringing a baby into the horrific world of that moment.  As life has gone on and the horrific images keep coming my heart breaks for him.  I know the road ahead will not be easy.  I know it will be full of evil and chaos.  I also know that because of Parker the world will be a better place.  I know that as he becomes a man great things will continue to happen.  He does know how to cook, change a baby diaper (still working on the tire), and love unconditionally.  He is such an example to me of greatness.  He is nothing short of a disciple of Christ, he shows love to everyone.  To say that I am thankful for him seems so silly, but I am truely thankful to be his mother.  He has made me a better person and I hope one day he will be able to say the same about me.

Happy Birthday my baby boy!